Queen Bee - Weigh In

276

That was the number on the scale.

The last time we did low-carb the weight literally melted off without any effort. And I was eating cream cheese and salami and pork rinds and deviled eggs... and I still managed to lose forty-ish pounds.

We'll see what happens this time. I haven't been 100% on "plan" so to speak. There was that chocolate. And that box of macaroni and cheese. And birthday cake.

One day at a time, one bite at a time, I suppose. I haven't been perfect. Which usually means, it's time to give up and grab for the Doritos. But instead, I've just been picking myself up and trying again.

I suppose the scale is reflecting that. I'm a pound lighter than when I started out (and the scale started going in the wrong direction!)

Progress, not perfection. Isn't that what they say?

Magic Chocolate?

Harley couldn't decide which card to get me for my birthday...

So he got one for both of my "sides"... :)

The kids drew me pictures. And I got a bunch of Burt's Bee's honey lip balm (my favorite) and some sugar-free Russell Stover's and Whitman's chocolate.

As you can tell from the picture, I'm either 83... or 383... :D

They asked if they could have some of my chocolate.

"No, it's got fake sugar in it. It's candy that won't make mommy fat." -er... fatter... I'm thinking...

"Oh... so it will make you thin?"

Ha! I wish :)

Sugar Alcohol

Sugar substitutes that end in "ol" are evil incarnate. At least, that's what my intestines think. They are definitely making a protest at the three Russell Stover Pecan Delights I ate this afternoon. They were yummy... but I don't know if they were worth it. Yeeeeouch!

These particular chocolates had malitol in them. And it does say on the package: Excessive consumption may cause a laxative effect.

Fun!

Guess that's a good way to curb chocolate consumption. :x

p.s. actually I ate four. If I'm gonna be honest, I guess I should come fully clean, right? *sigh*

"Fast" Food

We had Arby's last night.

We rarely eat out, because 1) it's expensive 2) we're far away from places to eat out and 3) we know it's not good for us.

But we do, every once and a while, and somehow I always think fast food is going to taste better than it does. I remember it better, or something. I've learned that's true about places like McDonald and Burger King and I just avoid going there altogether, even when we decide to splurge. But Arby's sounds "better" to me for some reason. I thought it would taste good. It sounded good.

It wasn't good.

*sigh*

I don't know why I can't keep that in my head all the time. In fact, it gave me a migraine. Probably some sort of artificial something I ended up eating. Yuk.

We're going grocery shopping today. I was very organized this time - I planned the menus, I created the list, and I'm sending Harley and the teenager. Two masculine folks should be able to go into the store and just buy what's on the list right? As opposed to me... I wander, I put things in the cart that "look good" or "sound good"... so NOT good. So they're going to go into the grocery store and grab some REAL "fast" food.

We're heading back to doing lower carb, no refined sugars or bad carbs. Plus lower, unsaturated fats. So the Twix I had the day before yesterday was probably the last chocolate for a long time. If that had occurred to me at the time, I would have savored it more. *sigh*

I really can't wait until summer, when we can start growing our own veggies and fruits and can collect our own eggs from our own Omega-3-fed chickens... I'm even considering raising bees!

Stuck

Watched Fried Green Tomatoes this morning while the kids went out to play in the snow that will disappear in a great flood this afternoon and tomorrow.

Great movie.

Kathy Bates character's sobbing into a handkerchief after some young kid called her a fat cow, and Jessica Tandy is patting her on the back and comforting her.

"I just wish I could get it over with and get really fat! I'm too young to be old and I'm too old to be young."

I hear ya, sister. I hear ya. (Has it really been fifteen years since this movie was released? God, I am getting old!) It takes courage to really eat your way toward death. Or to stop. I feel so caught in the middle, afraid to go forward, afraid to go back.

"One candy bar won't hurt ya," Tandy says.

"One, no. But ten or eleven?"

Yep, I hear ya.

I could eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Tastes wayyyyy better than Lean Cuisine. (I'm watching the latest commercial - one woman eating a rice cake, the other drinking some frothy, scary-looking diet drink... and I'm supposed to believe the mouse-sized portion of chicken parts and freeze dried veggies tastes better? Feh!)

What is wrong with me?

I wish I knew. *sigh*

Thanksgiving

Everyone loved the pumpkin-orange cheesecake. And the chocolate peanut butter fudge. And the pumpkin bread. I know, I know, but I had to make them.

I felt like I was in the middle of that Steven Wright joke. "I poured a bowl of cereal, but I added too much milk, so I added more cereal, but then there was too much cereal, so I poured in some more milk, but then I needed more cereal..."

"An hour later..."

I had half a can of pumpkin left after making the cheesecake, so I had to do something with it, and so I made the pumpkin bread. Then, I had half a can of evaporated milk left. So I made the chocolate peanut butter fudge.

I took the leftover chocolate orange coconut carrot cake with us for Thanksgiving, too. The good news is I left at least half of it all there! And I only had a sliver of cheesecake and a taste of the fudge. But I did eat lots of yummy turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and sweet potatoes. And, as she is wont to do, my mother-in-law sent home Gladware containers stuffed full of leftovers, which are now sitting in my refrigerator. *sigh*

And I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts. *whine*

What do you mean, it's no excuse!?

Hmph.

Avoiding

Well somehow I ate less calories yesterday, according to Fit Day, than the day before, even though I had a piece of chocolate cake. Weird, huh?

I keep trying to remind myself, "There's nothing wrong with chocolate cake." A piece won't kill you. It's eating the whole damned cake--and then baking and eating another one--that will kill you. Right? Right.

So now the trick is not eating cake TODAY. Yesterday was a special occasion. We had a friend for dinner. (Well, not FOR dinner... we didn't cook and eat her or anything! I'm not THAT bad!) But now it's the day before Thanksgiving, I'm looking at the looming food-filled holiday days ahead, and wondering how in the hell people do this every day. How do you NOT eat chocolate cake if half a cake is sitting on your counter, the kids are home from school and driving you insane, you have a house to clean, food to cook for Thanksgiving tomorrow, a husband on his way to a job interview insisting you "did something" with the envelope he left on top of the microwave for a week with his application and license in it that you vaguely remember seeing but don't know if you moved in your crazy not-really-cleaning-just-shoving-things-out-of-sight straightening binge before company came yesterday...?

How do you NOT eat the cake? My inner Marie Antoinette says: "Cake! Let them eat cake!"

So I'm doing what I usually do, and avoiding. I'm in my room on my laptop blogging about food, my stomach is growling, the kids are starting to whine about breakfast, and I don't want to face the kitchen. I know, it's silly. I'll go face the cake in a minute. After I finish this post. Gee, how long do you think I can make it?

Not only that, but I have to bake pumpkin-orange cheesecake today. Another day of baking delectable desserts. I don't know if I can do it. I don't understand how something like food can have this kind of power, but it does. It always has. Harley works with addicts (the "real" kind - you know, heroin, crack, crystal meth - although I don't know how sugar can't count. White powder is white powder, am I right?) and he always says, it's not the substance, it's the addiction. And he's right, of course.

The addict is only PART of me. Not the whole of me. That's what I have to remember. Queen B knows she can make smarter, healthier choices. Queen B loves herself and wants to live a long and healthy life. I'm just going to have to behead that inner Marie Antoinette. To hell with you, bitch, I'm NOT gonna eat cake!

So there!

*deep breath*

Off to face the kitchen.

Having Your Cake and Eating it Too?

Well according to Fitday (where I'm keeping track of what I eat every day) I consumed 1,406 calories yesterday. Not a bad start. The best part was, none of it was junk. There was more fat that I'd like to ultimately have and less protein (45% fat, 33% carbs and 23% protein) but I didn't pick up a Kit Kat. Or a potato chip. Or even desperately break open the chocolate chips I bought for the cake I'm baking today.

I forgot I was baking a cake.

On top of the orange pumpkin cheesecake I'm making for Thanksgiving, I said I'd make dinner and dessert for a friend of ours who's coming to watch the rugrats tonight. It's parent-teacher conferences, and we have to go find out how our two kindergarteners are doing. Princess is our oldest, she's six, but she's in kindergarten with her brother, the little Prince, who's five, because I homeschooled rather lazily up until this year, when we decided to try out public schools. So far I'm hating public school, but they kids aren't. They're having fun, for the most part. But I digress...

This friend of ours works with Harley and has invited us over to dinner several times. She makes fantastic food and delectable desserts, and I thought we could repay her kindness by asking her to babysit for an hour and paying her with a dinner and dessert at our house. So I'm making an incredible beef stew, corn bread, salad, and homemade chocolate-orange cake for dessert.

I know I know I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Who starts a diet the week before Thanksgiving!? (It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change... if I click my heels together three times, do I get to have a Snickers? Can I at least wake up from this chocolate-free nightmare?)

I always do really well the first week on a "diet." Then things fall apart, when I start having cravings, and then eventually give into them and throw the whole baby out with the bathwater. I'm hoping things will be different this time. I'm hoping the new awareness I have will carry me through, and I'll be able to have a slice of cake... and not sneak downstairs after everyone's asleep and finish the whole damned thing.

We shall see. Wish me luck!

p.s. Harley really will be blogging here. I didn't make him up. He's just incredibly busy at the moment, and has a job interview tomorrow. Wish him luck, too!

We've Only Just Begun...

I was kidding when I posted we were going to "start Monday." Because, you know, that's when you start diets. Monday. After a "last supper" of course. Ha. Some last supper we had. Somehow I don't think Jesus made Taco Bell out of wine and fishes..

But Harley, he went and took me seriously about the "starting Monday" thing! So now we're starting...!? Ack! I guess there's no better time than the present. And since I had to run to the doctor's this morning for fasting blood work, it wasn't a bad day to begin. I didn't eat anything until eleven, when I was done shopping for Thanksgiving, and by then I was shaking with hunger...

I know, I know, fat people shouldn't experience hunger. Isn't that the perception? Actually, I'm terrible about eating in the morning, which I know isn't good for metabolism, and I need to stop. Well, start. Eating, that is. And not chocolate or donuts, either. *sigh* Darnit.

So I had an apple out of the bag I bought while I was driving home from the store, and it felt good to stock the pantry and fridge with fruit and veggies and healthier choices. I even managed (hungry as I was!) to avoid picking up extra snacks for myself, even while I was buying things to make a Thanksgiving dessert.

Ahh, such will power. We'll see how long that lasts. I'll be Jonesin' for chocolate by dinner time, you watch. I have to go eat some protein, or I know I'm going to give into the carb-craving monster. And I have to make orange-pumpkin cheesecake the day after tomorrow. Lord help me.

Why can't this be easier?